Tonight I find myself at the computer with a heavy heart. I feel sad. I feel disheveled. I feel broken and empty.
I am sitting on the couch with the baby monitor next to me (we have the receiver in dads room so we can listen for him). He is snoring.
Mom is sitting to my right in the recliner. We were talking and then she dozed off. Now she is snoring.
The house is quiet and the lights are dim. Todd is working and I am sitting here with you, my cyber-buddies, and the 2 dogs.
The house was full of visitors all day. It is such a wonderful distraction to have friends pop in and out. However, it is this time of night I dread. Everything gets quiet and still and you are left to face reality. The "how's" and "why's" flood my mind. Which reminds me.... did I remember to take my Xanax? I don't think I did! Maybe that would help!
Mom and I have been feeding dad through his feeding tube yesterday and today. It is the most sobering thing. It saddens me to see my dad, MY DAD, laying there so weak and unable to communicate clearly. It saddens me to see his body in such a weak state. He doesn't talk alot. However, today he sadi to mom, "Why do people keep asking me 'how are you doing?'. How do they think I am doing? I lost my job. I am losing all I worked for. I am losing my wife. I am losing my life." This was the first time dad has opened up and said anything negative. It was the first time we got a glimpse of his weak side.
I know dad is looking forward to heaven. I know he is not afraid to die. I know he wants God's ultimate will. How do I know? Because I have asked him. I have heard him repeat these things over and over the past several weeks. But dad is still human and today we got a glimpse of his weaker side.
My heart breaks tonight. I think I am going to turn off the computer and go lay next to dad.
God is good all the time and all the time God is good.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
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My heart is so heavy for your family. Please know that we are covering you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteSoak in the moment laying next to your daddy and as you do, I pray that the Holy Spirit comfort you both.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is crushed for your family. I keep asking God why, even though I know the answer..."why not?" As you sign each one of these sweet posts "God is good all the time and all the time, God is good." He is sovereign and good. Thank goodness when we are weak, He is strong. I pray for His comfort and peace to flood your house tonight.
ReplyDeleteMuch, much love!
I don't understand all of it either Cilla, but I trust God's plans for your Dad and all you guys. We know our Redeemer lives!
ReplyDeleteLots of Love,
Uncle Dean
Priscilla, just wanted to thank you for your honesty. It's a hard walk and you are doing such a good job. Having gone through a similar situation with my Dad, I can understand. Keep looking up to Him who cares so much for each of us.
ReplyDeleteLove and shalom,
Carol Creegan
Day by day, and with each passing moment,
ReplyDeleteStrength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.
Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.
Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.
Hi Priscilla,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I too went through a similar experience with my Dad. And yes we trust in the Lord all the time. We have no where else to turn except to Him.
Shalom and love,
Sandra Hawkins