Glance Back, Gaze Forward

I know Dad would not want us to dwell on the sad, devestating events of 2009. Yet, these sad events DID happen, they are part of my memory forever. I have had a hard time remembering the good fun memories with dad that happened the years before he got sick. Somehow the sad memories from last April haunt my day in and day out thinking. Sometimes I face them, sometimes I stuff them. Either way, they are still there.
I decided that it was time to let the sad memories fade into the background of my mind and pull the fun memories forward. But before I did that, dad and I needed to have a little chat... so to speak. I visited his grave for the first time since the funeral yesterday. I have wanted to go back in the past, but have not been able to pull myself together enough to do it.
I didn't wake-up thinking "today is the day". It just happened naturally as Todd and I happened to be driving by.
I sat down next to dads resting place and cried for a while. Todd gave me a few minutes to myself and I explained to dad how I felt about all this. I don't know how I believe about whether dad can hear me or not. Quite frankly I don't want to. I want to continue on in my fantasy mind in this area. I like to think that he can hear me; I don't care, at this point, if it is truth or not.
Anyway, It was so therapudic to explain to dad that by letting go of him and saying goodbye I am not forgetting about him. I think about him many times through out the day. Like when I am cooking in the kitchen and throw the kitchen towel over my shoulder the way he used to. Or when I catch myself whistling a tune I just made up in my head. Dad was a great whistler. He used to whistle a one-line tune and see how long it took before I had caught on and was whistling it too! I also see dad in my brother and in my husband; A legacy he left behind.
I reminded dad of all these things. I told him I had to say goodbye for now, but that he better be the first one to greet me when I get to heaven... besides God Himself, of course.
I told dad I knew he would be proud of me and Todd and all of the things we have done to help mom. He would love our new home. He would really like my new Spaghetti Pie recipe and I think of him everytime I make it.
I also talked to God while I was there. I wouldn't call it praying.... it was more like just talking. I was explaing to Him, that I need some happy things to happen this year. I reminded him that He wouldn't put on me more than I can bear, and yet I feel like I have reached my max-out point. I begged Him to show Himself to me and to send me a miracle to remind me that He is still close and that He loves me.
This little chat with God and my dad was so therapudic for me. I was able to verbally speak things that have been botteled up in my soul for almost a year now. Speaking of a year ago, the week of Febrauary 2nd, 2009 was the last vacation our family took with dad. We all went on a family ski trip. What a blessing that was. Amazing that our loving God provided that time set aside for us to spend with dad.
This year I am making a decision to try to glance back, but gaze forward.